This feeling…

It’s been many weeks now, that I just feel….done.

Done with being mom, wife, feeling closed in or uninspired & the never ending tired.

The constancy of everything in my day to day. The same feelings, the same conversations, the same frustrations, the same ‘scolding’, the same impatience. I need a lift. I need to see over this cloud, this feeling.

But stepping back and looking at my life, I know it’s the life that I always wanted.Always dreamed of. What is it with having what you always dreamed of, but it never feeling right, complete, fulfilling. I don’t like to complain. I feel I look for the positive in things, the light shining in on the darkness. But there is that ‘devil’, that sometimes out speaks the ‘angel’ and it rules my thoughts to thinking of the less than ideal circumstances.

This is my truth. My honest self, speaking up. My honest self wondering what it is that creates these thoughts, these desires, these unsatisfied feelings. What imbalance is happening within to never find the peace, the contentment, with the life you know is beautiful. Because life is beautiful. There is beauty surrounding us every day, if not every moment. Are we too tired to see it? To focused on the unimportant things? Why is it so hard to just be here, right now. To be grateful for what you have, grateful for the breath within our lungs, the heart beating in our chests. The love that comes from family & friends.

I’m tired of this feeling. And as i seem to come to this slump often, I always am looking for an outside ‘cure’, but I know it’s not outside of myself. It’s in me. As I am the only one who can truly provide for myself, the only one who knows my true feelings, my true thoughts. “Happiness is an inside job”, yes, yes it is. Then why is it so hard to find?

Finding the time, to acknowledge my thoughts, my feelings, is hard to do these days. Or finding the inspiration to do the things that makes me feel more ‘alive’. I know it can come as an excuse, more often than not, that I am ‘too busy’, ‘too distracted’ with the kids who need me 24/7, but I know that I can do more, for myself, to find this joy, to find this time, to find this inspiration to feel good. I am effected by my surroundings, the emotions & moods of others around me, because I feel everything. With that, I need to find the strength to push past soaking in their moods and instead find my true feelings of the moment. Stop, take a breath, dance it out, step outside, shake it off, and re-check my own self. I am there. Deep down under Momma, Wife, Maid, I am there, me, my true self, waiting (somewhat) patiently to one day emerge, full force, and take over again. I am there, and I am strong.

For now, these feelings will come, they may stay longer than I would like them too, but I know, at some point they will pass. Just as the phases of childhood pass, and move onto something else. Stay positive Momma, you got this.