It’s not you. It’s me. Oh how well that line works here. It really isn’t you, and your sweet little child selves. I am the grown up, I am the one who is supposed to be the haven for you, the one who shows you the way to be in this wild world, the one who shouldn’t be this frustrated at the little things, that in the big picture, don’t matter at all. But I am the one acting out. I am the one over-reacting. I am the one tantrum-ing.
You are both still so small, so little. You have not had as much time as I have on this earth, to learn the ways, to learn how to deal with the strong emotions, the ups & downs, the ‘good’ & ‘bad’. And how could you really learn it, properly, with how I have been reacting lately. How can your little hearts know what is considered okay, and not okay to do, when I am not being 100% there for you. I of course, am there for you, but I am somehow restricting myself to be there fully. I am hiding out. I am zoning out. I am trying to escape, to find myself, to find my ‘cool’, to keep my shit together. But I am failing to be exactly the momma I want to be. For that, I am sorry. I’m sorry that I’ve yelled more than soothed. I’m sorry that I don’t want to play the games you ask me to play. I am sorry I can’t keep calm throughout the tantrums, the crying, the whining. I am sorry that I’m not showing you the way things can be dealt with more positively.
I see myself, and my ways come out of your little bodies. Your reactions, your ways of dealing with things. I see the negative that I don’t want there. But for some reason, I can’t break it. I’m stuck. I’m stuck being this mom I don’t want to be. I seek to be alone. I seek to be away from you. I seek the freedom. But at the same time, I can’t imagine my life without your sweet souls. But I need to love myself too. And I’m struggling.
I try, I try to show the love after every negative moment, but sometimes it’s so hard to. So hard to give it every single time. But I try. I am still learning the way, to be the best example, and I’m failing at that, at this point in time, and I know that.
There must be some sort of “ah-ha” moment, right? The moment, or the moments when you have it (mostly) all figured out. Or at least, a bit more than this. I will promise to always reach for that, to learn myself more, so I can better teach you. To take the time to nourish myself, so I’m not full of impatience, full of frustrations, full of negative examples, so I can show you the way to a more calm & positive ways of doing things.
To my children, please know, I am trying. Even through my loud voices, my tears, my walking away, my ‘no’s and my imperfect self, I love you. Forever & always. To the moon & back, I love you.