Messy

Ok, so I’m going to be honest, cause, that’s what I do via this blog, is speak honestly & raw: I love my kids, with all my heart, but that doesn’t mean I always drop everything for them. Like housework for example. If the house is a mess, which is 99% of the time, I have a really hard time functioning. Not that I’m a neat freak, because I’m very far from it. But if I see the clutter and the crumbs & the dishes or laundry piled up, it’s all I can think about…

If we’ve been out of the house all day, I often feel high spirited & feel like I have the attention & happiness to give to the kids & life, but as soon as I step into the house, see everything piled up, my mood literally changes there on the spot. And I’ve come to realize that our home environment does this to me. Or at least my thinking towards it does it. Sure I could just ignore it, let is slide keep saying to myself ‘these moments with the kids will pass too soon & the mess really doesn’t matter.’ And yes, sure, that’s true, but I’m tired of hearing that. I also want to feel somewhat sane and in charge of how our home feels, and for me, it feels better if it’s tidied & clean. And so I will prioritize the housework before the kids, at times. So I can at least have those 2mins of the floor not having toys strewn all over, clearing my mind of the overcast of mess, before one of the kids starts dumping out all the toys from the bin, looking for that one toy, that is obviously NOT in the bin…

Cleaning & tidying, helps me feel like I have some control over the day. At this point, I’m outnumbered 3 to 1 during the days, and so I feel like I just beckon to what each kid needs, so if I can take the 10mins to just get the dishes done, or a load of laundry in, than it’s a physical task I can see get completed, or at least started, and it clears some of the fog. And I need that. I need to see through the fog, because my head is so full of it. Fog. Heaviness. I have to make way for some sun to break through. 

Our house is small, so it doesn’t take long for it to turn into a pigsty. And sure, I feel insane sometimes, because I keep cleaning with the thought that it will stay that way, when it never does, but I’ll keep working at it until we find the balance, the way that ‘works’ to make our home feel more calming & together. 

I just want to be surrounded by beauty. It doesn’t have to be elaborate or expensive by any means, I just want to feel that sense of Peace. Hard these days, but I keep working towards it. Having flowers in the house, having my workspace with minimal things on it, having it smell beautiful with essential oils in the diffuser. Just those little things, that can slowly build into the big things, for when we will have the opportunity to do our renos, and make this old house seem not so dirty all the time. 

But until then, I am going to put the cleaning first, at times, for my own sanity. My own sense of accomplishment. 

And it doesn’t mean I don’t love my kids. It means I love myself too.