Imperfect Perfectionism

Deep down, I am a major perfectionist. But I closet myself. It’s been years of pushing it away, so I don’t drive myself crazy with getting it all down perfectly. I know things aren’t perfect, so why waste my time making sure it is….right?

Maybe I’m just a lazy perfectionist. Maybe I’m a non-committal perfectionist. Maybe I’m too anxiety ridden to be able to keep up with everything that it entails to keep on top of being a perfectionist. Whatever way it is, I still feel crazy 😝

I took note the other day, as I was cleaning up the dishes & kitchen, that instead of finishing up the last few bowls & forks at the bottom of the sink, I just left them. Whether it was because I got pulled away by my kids (very likely) or because I just had this strong pull to just stop there (I think the real reason), I realized that I do this often. I don’t fully finish things. Chores mainly, house related things, things I know that will more likely then not, get all messed up within the hour anyways, but, I left those dishes there, and I had the huge wave of thought of “why am I doing this? Why am I leaving these few last items, when I’m so close to having it all done, so close to the kitchen being clean.” And then I thought of my version of perfectionism. I never have fully let myself to get to point of anal-retentive perfection. I always seem to let the imperfections be there, because I am unaware of what it would really look like to let “her” out of that closet.

I don’t re-do things often. If I create something, and it’s not quite right, I leave it. Unless of course it’s just awful, but I let it be there, in it’s imperfect state.

My writing, I often don’t edit. It’s raw, imperfect and me in that exact moment.

I am far from a perfect parent, but  I do try to show that nothing and no-one is perfect to my kids (cause it’s true).

I feel overwhelmed more often then not when it comes to doing house things, or adult must do’s (like paying bills, dealing with money, etc) and I think it’s because I’ve never really felt confident in taking control of what needs done, so I ask ‘permission’ or “what should I do?”. Whether that’s because I feel I will fail at doing it properly, or wanting to make sure that everyone around me is happy & so take what they want into consideration before what I want. (I’ve been working on that one!) And then I beat myself up with I get confronted about, why I didn’t do it, or when I’m going to do it…so I avoid….

And I think that’s really what it all boils down to: failure. I’m afraid to not be good enough at something, and so, I always leave that little extra room for imperfection, as my shield, to protect me from disappointment of not getting it just right. The more I think about it, the more it’s been a lifelong way of handling this. Or I blame it on laziness, or overwhelm, or the likes. But really, I’m just trying to protect my sensitive perfectionist’s ego.

Things get so far gone, or so overloaded because I just can’t seem to stay on top, because I don’t want to let that perfectionist out. I don’t know what is more insane feeling: the anxiety of the total mayhem of letting things go or just letting myself strive to be a perfectionist.

This writing right now, is totally my imperfect thoughts that have been bubbling around in my head about this topic for the last week, and just like those last few dishes that I always seem to leave in the sink, I am going to leave this here too…raw, imperfect me.