As long as I can remember, I wanted to be a mom. I thought it would be they divining moment for me, to have found the ‘thing’ I was supposed to be and the thing I was supposed to do with my life.
But, truth be told, it’s not. It’s not what I thought it would be.
Now, before you get all judgey and think I don’t love my kids or that I don’t like being a mom, let me explain.
I DO love my kids. I DO like being a mom (most of the time 😉 ) I just don’t think it defines me. Anymore at least.
I’m not diminishing what it is to be a mom. It’s a lot. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It’s the biggest job I’ve ever taken on. I’m just realizing that, I’m more than just a mom.
When I thought that being a mom was going to ‘fix’ all the empty feelings of ‘being something great’, I was holding on the idea that being home & raising little humans, keeping the house, serving my purpose as wife & giving my all in both emotional & mental strength, was going to keep me content. I held on to this, thought, this feeling, for a few years, pushing away the underlying whispers of guilt & sadness that I wasn’t, in fact, content with all of that. I started second guessing my desires to be a mom. I felt as if I didn’t love my kids as much as I should, because I started not wanting to be around them all the time. When I couldn’t fathom doing the ‘perfect mom things’ and started dreaming of the times when they’d be grown up & not needing me as much, I’d be swamped in guilt because of feeling & thinking those things.
It’s taken me 4 out of almost 6 years as a mom, to learn to forgive myself and stop apologizing for wanting to step of out 100% momma and step back into Me, a little bit more. And I’m happier for it. I’ve found my groove, I’ve gone back into my passions, I’ve made an effort to fight for them. If I can’t stand up and show my kids how it’s important to work hard & follow your dreams, then who will? I can be mom AND me, without the guilt.
Having kids, has brought me to where i am today. I’m not sure I’d be doing, or living where I am if it weren’t for having chose and lived this momma-life.
This is of course, just my thoughts on the matter. Every one has their own ways that work, or ways that are working towards something improved, and that’s exactly how it should be. And there should be no judgement or harassing or guilt-shaming to any momma out there. We are all just doing our best. We all love in our own ways, we all get filled up in our own ways, whether it’s giving 100% to your kids 24/7, or if you are a full time working momma and setting aside the special times for your kiddos when you can. Or anything in between.
Peace & Love,