When the #metoo movement was in full force, I read the stories, I felt for all that had one, and I was so grateful that I didn’t have a story of my own, a pain or a hurt to share. But i was wrong. I just didn’t realize I had any, because I never felt threatened, forced or seriously uncomfortable. But that doesn’t mean that I wasn’t taken advantage of. That I wasn’t used, disrespected or emotionally drained. I just thought that since I was so open and giving of myself, so wanting the love & attention, that it couldn’t possibly mean it was wrong.
I risked a lot, more times then once, to give myself, my love, my attention and my care to others. I am an open person. I am a loving person. I am a people pleasing person, and I turn blind when I receive all that attention back, even if it’s not real, from the person giving it.
I have been strung along, I have been used, I have been taken advantage of, I have been disrespected, all the while thinking I really meant something to these people. I was blindfolded in the game, and the players so smooth I didn’t even think it couldn’t be real.
I can think of a handful of different scenarios throughout my life, in which I got very deep in with someone, thinking it all authentic. Even if, perhaps, it was in-part true, real & honest, in the end I wasn’t fought for. I was dropped, left, empty and hurt. My mind reeling for months after. Replaying scenes in my head. Making up new ones. Dreaming & wishing for different endings, all the while missing out on, or risking, the real-love opportunities out there.
Just because we are open, loving and attentive people, seeking the same back, does it mean we should be taken for a ride? Used for our love and sensuality, until it gets hard or complicated then dropped and left like an empty piece of garbage? Can we be aware that there are so many ways in which we as women can be victims of abuse, force and improper love? Sure, Men can feel it too, I won’t separate us, but since I can only speak from a women’s point of view and my own experiences.
And it’s not all men doing the hurting, and it’s not all women getting hurt. But i think it’s been made clear that there have been so many, more then not, effected by some sort of improper treatment.
I am grateful for a husband who has been a solid rock in my life, has supported & loved me in his own way and been patient with me throughout the years of growing into the woman I am today. Every day is a journey in finding the peace within, to not feel like I have to please everyone, but first, and most importantly, make sure that I am secure, kind and loving to myself. I will not be used for my love, time or care anymore. I deserve better. I know better. And I will be the example of all that for my son & my daughters.
Stand up for yourself. Stand up for the right kind of love. The right kind of care. The right kind of attention.